Introduction

Death - what is your experience as you read the word? As I prepared to write this article and discussed it with my Human Resources colleagues, I encountered a wide variety of responses. The most common comment was "grief in the workplace is really about managing change in the workplace, when people lose jobs or see their company downsize."

HR professionals wanted to relate Grief in the Workplace to Change Management and yes the patterns and experience may be similar, but it is not the same. This article is about death, the grief that accompanies it in the workplace, and thoughts about what the HR professional can do to help employees as they live through the grief process.
Grief is a part of life that enters the workplace on a regular basis, but in varied ways. A co-worker dies, either on the job, as in police work, or from causes unrelated to work. An employee may lose someone they care about - a grandparent, parent, sibling, child or friend - and, depending on the depth of the relationship, the grief process may or may not be what we expect. In today’s mobile society the death of a friend may have as much impact or more than a family member’s death.

HR Professionals' Discomfort

As HR professionals it often falls to us to help employees living through the grief. Many of us ensure that our company has a policy of 3 days paid leave for someone who has an immediate member of their family die and often help extend the formal 3 days to an informal one week. Many of us help the employees or their families sort out benefits and pack up desks. Some of us give employees the "news" that someone in their family has died. There are even some of us who support managers or tell employees someone from their workgroup died.

Discussions with seasoned HR professionals reveal that even with their years of experience they often feel uncomfortable when dealing with grief. One HR Professional spoke of how she sat frozen in her office for an hour and then with a few short sentences informed a work group a co-worker had died. She then went back to her office and beat-up on herself for not demonstrating more support and compassion, yet this person did nothing further to assist the work group with the grief process.

It's Not "Business as Usual"

It’s not "business as usual" when someone dies and ignoring the situation isn’t going to make it go away. Yet the HR Professional or manager may be truly tested when an employee experiences a personal loss or when someone in the workspace dies. It may now be incumbent on you and other employees to provide support for your grieving co-worker and if appropriate their family.

One of the major challenges of death in the workplace is that grieving is not well understood and managers and employees do not have enough information or awareness to respond appropriately. People question what is "normal" of themselves as they grieve and of others as they watch them grieve.

Grief Recovery & The Circle of Influence

Some of us are familiar with Elizabeth Kubler-Ross’s model of grief. Kubler-Ross argues that people grieve by moving through 5 steps of denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Though Kubler-Ross pioneered work in living through grief, her model is not the only model and nor is it the most widely used amongst grief recovery professionals.

Most professionals today work with models that reflect the complexity of grief by using a spiral or 3D view of grief‘s progression. They hold the view that grief is not linear and that individuals may "begin" at any phase and may pass through a phase many times on their journey through grief.

One such popular model developed in BC is " Pathways through Grief" by Lamers, Martin & Elder (www.livingthruloss.bc.ca). This model views grief as an infinity sign where, as individuals try to make sense of their loss, they pass through phases of protest, despair, detach, explore, hope and invest. In this view, individuals may pass through the phases in any order and multiple times.

Key in this model is the "the circle of influence" -the people in the grievor’s life who can have an effect on the grief process. HR Professionals and managers are in the circle of influence and can impact the grief process.

A Long Bumpy Road

Grief is typically perceived as a short-term process. Survivors are expected to quickly let go and "get on with their lives". In reality, living through grief is a long, bumpy route that affects individuals on a variety of levels – physical, emotional, cognitive, spiritual and behavioural. The process can take between two and five years.

People will experience grief in their own distinct ways. There may be physical symptoms like headaches, fatigues and lethargy. People may experience a range of emotions, for example, sadness, relief, guilt, jealously and longing. Cognitively someone may find it difficult to focus, constantly thinking about the person who died or having recurring memories. Typically grief affects the way people behave – some avoid reminders of the loss, others may seek reminders out, some people withdraw or become irritable, others may seek out a constant state of "busyness".

How Grief Affects People at Work

How does grief affect people at work? Some people actually use work as a diversion and find the routine of the workplace soothing in a world that may feel uncertain and chaotic. Others are easily distracted, cannot focus or are anxious. Efficiency may suffer, emotional balance may be difficult to maintain, or they may become angry.

Living through grief is a complex process. As a Human Resources professional it is up to you to ensure that you have the resources you need to support the employees of your organization.

What Can You Do?

Your first responsibility is to yourself. If you knew the deceased and were hard hit by the loss, take inventory of your feelings. If you are not okay, first take care of yourself and get the support you need from co-workers, family, friends or counselors.

If you are okay and ready to support an employee through the grief process then:

• If possible meet with the employee, offer your personal condolences and attend the funeral and or have someone from your organization attend.
• If appropriate notify other management and staff members of the employees’ loss so they can send condolences and so internal teams and customers can make adjustments in workflow if needed.
• Be specific in your offers of assistance. Explain and give written material on bereavement leave, reduced work practices and benefit entitlement. Review this information with the employee again at a later date as they may have "lost" the information in the confusion they may be experiencing.
• Be supportive and listen. Grieving people typically need a safe place to explore or experience their reactions to grief and listening is probably the single most important thing you can do. Don’t worry about trying to make the person feel better. Simply acknowledge the loss, ask the person how they are and listen. Let them tell their story.
• Offer tangible support. Compassionate and tangible management support can come in many ways, for example, working with the employee’s manager to relax deadlines, temporarily reformulating job responsibilities, hiring extra help, expressing appreciation for the extra work co-workers may take on and allowing trusted employees to work flex schedules or from home.
• Stay in touch. Keep in touch and make future dates on your calendar, so you don’t forget to follow-up. Birthdays, year anniversaries, 6 month anniversaries, and holidays are key times when the grievor may need support.
• Be alert to problems and expect an increase in errors and some performance challenges from grieving individuals. Many people who experience a profound loss experience a crisis of meaning and things that seemed important or worth working toward are now brought into question.
• There is always a possibility of miscommunication in the workplace as friends and co-workers attempt to express their feelings and accommodate co-workers. Being aware of potential conflict situations is key.
• Give the employee information on grief support groups and your company’s employee assistance plan. In the lower mainland non-profit grief support programs are run by a variety of hospitals and hospices and include The Lower Mainland Grief Recovery Society and Burquitlam Grief Recovery Society. On Vancouver Island there is the Living and Learning Through Loss support program.
• Watch for danger signs. The rate of suicide increases after the death of loved ones.
  

What to Avoid

• Do not ignore the loss; acknowledge the situation.
• With anyone who has experienced a loss, avoid equating your loss to his or hers as every loss is unique.
• Don’t promise or offer things you can’t deliver.
• Steer clear of giving advice on how grieving people should live their lives. If anything, encourage postponing of major decisions (like quitting their job) until later.
• Avoid casual promises; a grieving person may put too much emphasis on these.
• Be careful of platitudes and judgments. Responses that may be seen as invalidating a person’s grief include: "At least you had 22 years", " at least she didn’t suffer" or "you don’t feel that way".
• Avoid being too cheerful or optimistic.
• Be careful your support doesn’t create a dependency, so the employee is unable to fend for themselves.
  

A Co-worker’s Death

When a co-worker dies, it can be devastating for the workplace and additional support from HR and the manager is typically required. If a key person has died or someone has died on the job, employees may have fears in regards to safety or the future of the department.

Keep an open dialogue with the employees and meet with them individually. Encourage a healthy remembrance and allow employees the time and opportunity to explore a way to remember the deceased co-worker. Suggest the family meet with the employees several months after the funeral to share memories. Sharing stories of the deceased can help survivors understand the life and death of the person they cared about. Be aware that "replacement" employees may experience hostility and may be in need of extra support. If needed, seek the help of a professional counselor or grief educator.

Conclusion

Overall, grief in the workplace is a significant issue that must be addressed by the HR Professional and management. Management courses do not teach us about grief. It is up to us in our role as HR Professionals to learn about this process and influence an employee’s journey through grief with compassion.